Audition, Part 3
I’m writing on my new blog every day for thirty days straight. This is the thirteenth one.This is part of a series that started with part 1 and part 2.
The void.It’s quiet. Black. Nothingness. It’s terrifying, and it grabs my attention. I can’t stop thinking about the void. It’s arresting. What’s behind that curtain of darkness…
My Dad is a physicist. He loves sending me pictures of intricate galaxies, vibrant nebulae, and brutal asteroids. He’s showing myself and my family that the universe is on display and all we have to do is look up. He believes in inspiring awe. Awe, defined by Jason Silva as “an experience of such perceptual vastness you literally have to reconfigure your mental models of the world to assimilate it.” It’s beautiful in these moments of awe to feel small. To remind ourselves we don’t have all the answers. We’re all just searching. And we have to keep searching.Black holes are awe-inspiring. Just watch Interstellar to see on display the human fascination with black holes. Since we can’t push past that curtain of darkness, we have to let our imaginations run wild. It’s not always useful to let our imaginations run wild. Sometimes we just have to let go.
I had my audition this afternoon on the Paramount Pictures Studio Lot. Being on the lot was incredible. It felt like I was in an exclusive club. I had to take a moment to fully experience that my hard work had brought me there. Walking between soundstages, I tried to soak it all in.I walked into the casting office, signed my name on the sign in sheet, and then waited in a hallway with twenty other white, brown-haired 26-year olds. The other white guys were slowly being called in and then leaving. New white guys were replacing the ones that were leaving. Eventually the casting director got to me. I was led back to a very small, dark office. “Hi. Thanks for coming in today, Lesley will be your reader, do you have any questions?” “Nope!” “Great.” I looked at Lesley, and we began. Sixty seconds later, “Alright, thank you very much!” “Thank you!” And I walked out. And now I have to let go.Letting go of the things I can’t control is one of the hardest parts for me as an actor. I work so hard to push every part of my career forward. Then I hand it all off to strangers who, at best, I hope will take what I’ve given them and make it fly, and at worst, sometimes never talk to me again. The void.I probably would have heard back from my agent by now if I had a call-back - a second audition. So I can assume pretty safely that I didn’t get it, but it’s hard not to stare at my empty e-mail inbox. All that potential in the quiet and emptiness of my inbox. All that darkness. What’s behind that curtain of darkness? I don’t know. But I’m not going to stay here and wonder.Time to move forward.